I just left the hospital after a visit with a dear friend. She has metastatic colorectal cancer and just had her liver resected (surgical removal of a part of the liver). What struck me most, about our visit, was her amazing spirit and her comment about how much she appreciated the support she’d received from friends and family.
Once more, I was reminded that the people in our lives can be a deep source of healing. Even though I know (on an intellectual level) that studies about the relationship between physical health and physical recovery show that emotional support is associated with better physical and psychological recovery outcomes and that emotional support reduces stress associated with the recovery from illness, there is nothing like being critically ill to bring the point home.
In my previous post in this series, I said that I learned how to interact with others, tell them about my illness and ask for support by watching a friend skillfully do these things for herself just a few weeks before my own diagnosis. Cynthia and I belong to a women’s sangha (a Buddhist group that supports each other). At a meeting in late July, she shared the news that masses were discovered on her ovaries two weeks prior and surgery was imminent. Hearing the news that someone I care about has just been diagnosed with a critical illness was devastating and frightening. What will I say that is adequate? What if I say the wrong thing? I’ve experienced times when I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I said nothing at all or tried to “act normal”. So my friend’s consideration of these things, from the beginning, was a great kindness. By gently and skillfully expressing her wishes for how she’d like to be supported during the days that would follow, she got the kind of support she needed and inadvertently taught me what to do when it was my turn to be faced with a critical illness.
First, Cynthia asked that we not share stories or medical information about ovarian cancer, good or bad. As a health care educator, she was very aware of the information that was out there. She said that for the moment she was fine. This did not mean she had not had “wobbly legs” from time to time, while she had been deciding what treatment path to take. She wanted us to support her with “just this”- i.e. not adding any of our own layers of reactions to this news on top of those she already carried… to let her have her own experience, to not try to fix it or take it away- just being present and being ourselves was enough. She let us know that she would not be informing members of her immediate family. Their proneness to excessive worry was too much for her. She wanted to wait until after the surgery when she knew what she was dealing with. She asked one of us to be with her at the hospital and to be the contact person through whom we could all get information about her status, need for visitors and so forth. This supported her but it also supported and connected her friends.
From my experience I know that a potential cancer diagnosis brings with it an incredible sense of powerlessness. Being able to determine some things for oneself, such as the type of support one wishes to have, is very empowering. Having asked for support we can take the next step into the unknown feeling a little less alone.
(Next: News Flash)
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